Surly's Soap Box

With Easter upon us, it's time to remember that God Hates Figs.




* JESUS REBUKED THE FIG AS AN EVIL ABOMINATION.
"Now in the morning as he returned into the city, he was hungry.
"And when he saw a fig tree by the road, he came to it, and found nothing on it, but leaves only, and said to it, Let no fruit grow on you henceforward for ever. And presently the fig tree withered away.
"And when the disciples saw it, they marveled, saying, How soon has the fig tree withered away!"
--Matthew 21:18-20

* JESUS COMMANDED US NOT TO EAT OF THE CURSED FIG.
"The next day, when they came from Bethany, he was hungry:
"And seeing a fig tree afar off having leaves, he came, if perhaps he might find any thing on it: and when he came to it, he found nothing but leaves; for the time of figs was not yet.
"And Jesus answered and said to it, No man eat fruit of you hereafter forever. And his disciples heard it.
--Mark 11:12-14

* EAT A FIG, GO TO HELL.
"He destroyed their vines with hail and their sycamore-figs with sleet."
--Psalm 78:47

* GOD PROMISES TERRIBLE VENGEANCE FOR FIG-EATERS.
"Yes, this is what the LORD Almighty says: "I will send the sword, famine and plague against them and I will make them like poor figs that are so bad they cannot be eaten."
--Jeremiah 29:17




tongue and and cheek from "godhatesfigs.com"

I caught some of American Idol last night. Caught, as in the way that some catches Ebola: You happen to walk through a room.

It was the Minnesota Audition edition.

My question is: Who told some of these people they could sing? As someone said, and I don't remember where I heard it, don't these people have any friends or family that love them enough to tell them that unless they want to make an ass of themselves in front of the entire nation, they should stay home?

Come on now. Unless you are a comedian who wants to go and get your name out there, stay home.

That poor kid with the dance and juggling thing going on: Did your family bring you there? What the hell where they thinking, letting you do that to yourself. Do they watch you do heroin as well?

The lion singing woman: Who told you that it was a good idea? Probably not anyone your talking to today.

I know that they pick out the worse to show. I'm sure that there where lots of decent, average, mediocre voices that didn't make the cut either way, people hoping for their big chance, or at least they where there to have a good time, but these people who bank so much getting a shot at the big time...

You have a better chance becoming a professional hockey goalie.

Ran across Iggy Pop's very humorous concert rider over at "The Smoking Gun" this evening. If you have a few minutes, it's worth the time.

***Caution***
There are a few f-bombs in there.

My daughter was running through the house this morning yelling and shaking a toy broom in the air. I asked her what all the noise was about, and she told me she was an 'angry mob'.


"An 'Angry Mob?'", I ask.

"Yeah. Here (holding up her toy broom) is my pitchfork".

"Where did you get that from?"

"TV."

Time to monitor what she's viewing.

I stopped by the LLama Butchers and noticed that they like to run searches to see where their various posts come in on the different search engines.

Well, I OWN Scientology NASCAR inbreeding!

Just saying.

"Snakes in the Drain"

Can you guess what I had to do this afternoon?

Before I go, Bogus Doug is clearly off his f@#$ing meds. Either that, or his wife has taken over his blog.

Just kidding about the wife part.

Today was supposed to be the Apocalypse, according to Iranian wack job Akmadidijad (or what ever). Turns out there was an err in the translation, and today was supposed to "A pack o' lips", and no one is sure what that means.

Spirits are flagging.


The crew is getting desperate: There seems to be no work on the horizon.

Often times, relieve was found here:



That's right, Häagen-Dazs Coffee Ice Cream, "the finest Brazilian coffee beans are roasted and brewed to perfection, bringing out their rich, complex flavor, then blended with pure, creamy Häagen-Dazs® ice cream."

Hmmm...Häagen-Dazs. Further depressing the crew is this:

Nutrition Facts:
Amount Per Serving
Serving Size: 1/2Cup (106g)
Calories: 270 Calories from Fat: 160
Total Fat 18g 28%
Saturated Fat 11g 55%
Trans Fat 0.5g
Cholesterol 120mg 40%
Sodium 70mg 3%
Total Carbohydrate 21g 7%
Dietary Fiber 0g 0%
Sugars 21g
Protein 5g
Vitamin A 15% Vitamin C 0%
Calcium 15% Iron 0%

The joke is that the ice cream comes in pint containers, not 1/2 cup containers. So there are 4 servings per container. Over a 1000 calories per container. Not what the crew needs to bolster his spirits while he's sitting in front of a computer pounding out resumes.

So, think, think, think.

Okay, 16 ounces in a pint.

Hmmmm...Pint! Like this:



Nutrition Facts
Serving Size 1 Pint (568.0 g)
Amount Per Serving
Calories
210
Calories from Fat
0
% Daily Value*
Total Fat
0.0g
0%
Total Carbohydrates
17.0g
6%
Protein
0.0g

Guinness: The healthy choice when you require 16 ounces of something to sooth your soul!

The crew's spirits are lifted!

Apparently he used three substances banned by the French: Tooth Paste, Deodorant, and Shampoo!

Well, he tested high in testosterone, something else the Socialist French don't want men using.



Landis

Have you noticed how many people are dropping dead at Disney lately? Well, okay, there's been two in the last 13 months. But I wonder...perhaps the rides at Disney are part of some one-world-government, Darwinian-survival-of-the-fittest plot to weed out the weak and stupid from our society?

There are things we have to investigate:

Who built the rides? Was it Haliburton?

Who designed the rides?

Who paid for the rides? Was it the Bush/Nazi Money Laundering /Occult connection.

Are they actually using the Swift money tracking program and domestic surveillance program to keep monitor the health and spending habits of people who have walked through the gates and survived?

Be worried, people. Some day we may all be rounded up and herded through Disney parks to be sorted out for some cruel purpose, like alien invasion.

Disney, Darwin, Bush, Nazi, Conspiracy

Cathy, of Cathy in the Wright, posted a pretty lame 'adult' joke the other day. It was near violent, with all it's finger waging and pointing, yelling and demanding. And emasculating.

I shall fisk it:

Adult Joke - Not For My Nephews

The husband had just finished reading a new book, 'YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE'.

At least the husband character is allowed the ability to read! But he's emasculated from the beginning by having to read a book that gives him permission to be a man.

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.

She was in the kitchen? Well, that's refreshing! A woman in the kitchen.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, YOU need to know that I AM the MAN of this house, and my word is law! You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the sex that I want. After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

Once again, the male is played out as the bumbling, sex obsessed idiot. And with his demand for dessert, it's implied he's fat! Does every man have to be portrayed as Jim Belushi? You know he's going to get slammed!


His wife replied, "The f*ckin funeral director would be my guess."

See! The woman was made out to be a dominating, err, well, you know. And the 'punch-line'? You could see it a mile away.

No, no, no. A joke like this needs to be subtle. The punch-line needs to catch you by suprise, like a ninja, not pound you like a sumo. Like this one:

After the husband carried his new bride across the threashold, he gently placed her on the bed, took off his pant and tossed them to her.

"Put these on." He said.
"I can't put these on." she said, "They don't fit!"
"That's right! Now you remember who wears the pants in this family"

She thought for a second, then shimied her panties off and tossed them to him. "Put those on."
"What? They're to small!" he said, "I'll never get into them."
"That's right! And you won't get into them until you change your additude!"



Humor

Ya know, memes are a good way to see who really reads your blog! You can post a meme, tag someone, and then excitedly wait to see how they respond. And wait. And...wait.

But I can't leave the NightWriter waiting. Besides, he's one of the few, elite readers of this blog. He is one of the ones that realize reading Surly's Soap Box is like getting a daily dose of antioxidants: It's good for you, but nobody can explain exactly why.

So...What sitcom character do I wish I were? (and Iron Chef is not a sitcom)

As far as television chefs go, I can't be Giada De Laurentiis because, well,...

I just can't smile like that. And she's not particularly amusing.

I took a look at the British as well, and considered BlackAdder (of the WWI "Blackadder Goes Forth" series) but there was that running into German machine gun fire thing.

I considered the "Soup Nazi" of Seinfeld fame, but he was a minor character.

So the obvious choice for me was: Gordon Shumway, otherwise known as Alf. Being an alien would explain away a bunch of bizarre behavior. I'd take a pass on eating cats, though.

I, in keeping with the spirit on memes, tag the following three: Doug Bass, Bogus Doug, and hhmmm, TKls2myhrt over at Katie's Beer.

YOU CALL YOURSELF PINEAPPLE! JUST LOOK AT YOU IN YOUR CAN WITH SOME BLUE AND GOLD WRAPPER! FROM HAWAII MY ASS! YOU THINK YOUR EVER GOING TO AMOUNT TO ANYTHING? DO YOU THINK YOUR GONNA MAKE INTO THIS CAKE? DO YA? DO YA? I DON'T THINK YOUR GOOD ENOUGH!

AND NO! YOU CAN'T DATE MY DAUGHTER.

I was just wondering how they do it. You know...crushing pineapple. I just thought it would be like 8th grade gym class.

9/10/2005
Sometimes you've gotta' give 'em a buck.

Well, Well, well. Scientology is trying to make inroads into middle America via NASCAR. I didn't think the average NASCAR fan fit the demographic: Rich and Stupid. I thought NASCAR fans only fit half that statistic.

Tom Cruise came to Charlotte in 1989 to film "Days Of Thunder." Little did we know that someday his idealogy would come zooming back to NASCAR as a sponsor.

Racin' fans, brace yourselves for some couch-jumping news: Scientology is ridin' shotgun.

A No. 27 red Taurus emblazoned with "DIANETICS" and featuring the volcano from the cover of L. Ron Hubbard's book has been tearing around California's Irwindale Speedway.

(No word on whether the car can fix itself; Cruise recently bragged that wife Katie Holmes needed no anti-depressants for her post-partum depression.)

NASCAR is decidedly reluctant to comment on scientology's sponsorship. "This has generated a lot of interest the past few days," NASCAR PR man Scott Warfield tells me. Not surprisingly, he didn't want to say much more. "It's not really something we want to comment on. It's a minor league, small-team sponsorship deal."

Yes, and it's also the weirdest sponsorship since Boudreaux's Butt Paste, the diaper-rash cream that began sponsoring a Busch Series car in 2005.

Driver Kenton Gray, of La Verne, Calif., will drive the DIANETCS car Saturday in its official debut in a NASCAR Weekly Series race in Irwindale.

Gray spouts Scientology praise with enthusiasm that would make the celebrity couple known as TomKat proud:

"'Dianetics' is a book that helped me in many ways since I first read it many years ago. It helped me get better control over the obstacles I had to get through to reach goals I was passionate about. It's a great honor to have a sponsor relationship that's so directly related to my making it this far." (In a truly bizarre scene in March, Gray appeared at the Irwindale track with the voice of Bart Simpson, Nancy Cartwright.)

The publisher of "Dianetics" is also putting together a Web site called dianeticsracing.com.

The Jehovah's Witnesses could not be reached for comment about any possible NASCAR sponsorship.

Photos of car, driver and voice of Bart Simpson at http://www.fmgracing.com/

For Surly's own experience with Scientology, click here.


Scientology, NASCAR,Inbreeding, Ignorant Rich Celebrities,Cults

The problem is...

...I have this really big head! I don't know how my scrawny neck holds this massive cranium of mine upright. And the head aches you get with a freakishly large head like this? I have this pounding headache that's like bombs going off! Sometimes I can't think straight! Doesn't anybody in this god-forsaken country have a FREAKIN' ASPIRIN! I'm gonna nuke somebody if I don't get a freakin' aspirin right freakin' now!



Iran

Yeah. Everyone is talking about the immigration bill. And then, there's Iran and Iraq: Done that!

Nope, I want to find a unique story to pass along. Something...Sexy. Something provocative. Something that will cause a stir, and of course, drive my traffic through the roof.

Did you hear about this show on Fox, where these complete strangers get a chance to sing on T.V. and people call in and vote... Oh, never mind.

How about that Brittney Spears dropping her...naa.


Whoa...Look at the time. Got to get off to bed. Sorry.

"But ABC apparently wants Rosie to look as glamorous as possible when she sits down on “The View” among Joy Behar, Star Jones, and Debbie Hasselbeck."

O'Donnell?




Glamorous?




HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!...***OUCH***.

Sorry, I just ruptured my spleen.

Next someone will say she's a comedian.


Humor

I'm kind of bored with politics lately. The latest is either Giuliani or McCain are going to be the candidates for the GOP in the '08, or both on the ticket. I don't really care for either, but I'd take Giuliani any day over McCain. If it were a McCain/Giuliani ticket, I'd seriously look at the Libertarians.

Then there's Iran: Some serious religious fanatics with nuclear capabilities. People who have vowed to wipe Israel off the map. People who must be stopped. What do we get? Commie nut cases like this Professor of Journalism at the University of Minnesota:

Unless the international community can design safety valves to check American aggression, more and more nation states will opt for a nuclear deterrence capability. And then the next American war could well be a nuclear war.

Abhinav K. Aima is Instructor of Journalism at the University of Minnesota, who is trying to gloss over the religious/emotional aspects of the argument by getting on with straight out leftie political science. Here's a news flash, Professor: You can not argue feelings with logic! The very essence of faith, even in a false religion like Islam, is believing in the unseen. If you refuse to examine the religious side of this argument, all of your political science and thinking that their only concern is national security goes right out the window. In fact, you refuse to look at what they have actually said, in words and writing, and build an argument for them. The real problem here is that Abhinav is the typical America hating leftie commie professor who has to build a case for the enemies of freedom. They say, "We will destroy you", Abhinav patronizingly says, "That's not what they really meant. They really meant the they want to protect themselves."

National security is an argument that they haven't tried to make for themselves.

Can't we all just eat some Beer Butt Chicken? I know, bad segway (sp?).


Beer Butt Chicken

1 Whole (3 1/2 - 4lb) Chicken
1 12 once can o' beer (more if your thirsty)
couple tablespoons of you favorite all purpose BBQ rub.
2 teaspoons olive or vegetable oil

Get your grill ready. Start your charcoal in a chimney.

Open the beer. Drink half.

Make sure the chicken is thawed. Remove any giblets and wash the bird with cold water, inside and out. Pat it dry with some paper towels.

Rub the inside of the chicken with a 2 teaspoons of rub, then coat the outside with the oil and the rest of the rub.

Now, place the can in an upright position. Carefully place the bird onto the can, inserting the can into the cavity. Cross the legs of the bird to form a little tripod.

Before you place it on the grill, push the coals off to the sides so the chicken is cooking with indirect heat. This prevents flare ups as well.

Cook until the temp reaches 180° in the thigh, about 1 1/4 to 1 1/2 hours. Another way to tell if chicken is done is when you can twist the leg bone right out of the drumstick.

To get it off the grill, use a couple of oven mitts of a side towel to pick it up. Present it.

If you are like Learned Foot and likes the taste of toxic chemicals in your grilled food, put a tablespoon of lighter fluid in a cup and mix it with barbecue sauce. Light it on fire, then use as a dipping sauce. Let the others enjoy their dinner.








Commies, Cooking, Current Affairs, Food, Iran Islam, Israel, Middle East, News and Politics