Surly's Soap Box

I led worship at church this morning. Now, when people hear that you are leading worship at church, they assume you have some sort of musical ability such as vocal skills or instrumentation.

Not necessarily the case with me.

I can strum the guitar, but I'm rhythmically challenged.
I can sing, but with limited range.

As I demonstrated today. In front of the whole church, I struggled to get into key, then I was so focused on the vocal end, my strumming struggled.

Why do I do it? Because I feel that God wants me to, and I desire to be obedient.

But you know: If you can't screw up in front of your church, if you can't make a mistake or struggle in front of your christian brothers and sisters, where can you?

Sad to say, I have been involved in churches where this was not the case. If you were to sing off key, hit the wrong chord, miss a strum, people would talk about it at Sunday brunch or their next home group meeting. And as the person singing off key, hitting the wrong chords, and missing a strum, you wouldn't have to wait to hear those conversations: You'd be able to see peoples rejection and embarrassment from right where you stand. And if you've done it before, you see people who will out right reject you, and shame you with their eyes and gestures.

To them I say: Turn your eyes upon Jesus. Get over yourselves. Repent.

Fortunately, our church is not like that. We encourage each other to step out, and once your walking, grab some one else's hand and help them step out. People laugh with you, and not at you.

To those who struggle with fear of rejection, particularly those who feel called to be in front of people but live in shame because you didn't quite perform they way others expected, or how you would have liked, God is faithful to complete the good work he has started. God will not put something on your heart and not give you the resources to accomplish it.

I didn't always believe that. I would strive, fail, and then give up. Later on, I would feel God's prompting to step out, to try again, only to complete the cycle again, feeling like God had set me up.

But musical skill or preaching style wasn't what God was trying to build in my life. I would practice (which is good), I took lessons (still okay), but I was striving to do it myself. He was (and is) after deeper things than my ability to play a song. He wanted my heart. He wanted me not to depend on my own abilities, but on Him. See, if I were secure in Him, I wouldn't be insecure about my struggles as a musician or my falterings with preaching. The awkward glances, the shameful looks, the reject means nothing to someone who knows they are walking in God's will.

So even though I have a long history of making a fool of myself in public, both behind the microphone with a guitar, and from the pulpit, I keep plugging along because I know that God has called me to do what I'm doing, and my 'job' isn't to please men, but to please Him.

After blotching the first two songs this morning, I just closed my eyes and started to play and sing like I was in my living room, just me and God, and everyone else joined in. The presence of the Holy Spirit was tangible. I'm still learning, and He's still after my heart.